Different isn't bad

Last week we begun looking at and understanding our differences as men and women. Its amazing that these diferences are what causes most of the major conflicts in marriage. Failure to understand our differences has led to turmoil in our relationships.

We must begin by realizing that first and foremost, it is God who made us this way. "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27). Both male and female make the image of God and that is why understanding our differences is vital. It has been said that men need to feel respected while women need to feel loved. Well that is partly true because women also need to be respected. In fact many a times in my counselling experience, many women have complained of not feeling respected by the way their spouses treat them. As a matter of fact Peter in 1 Peter 3:7 states that husbands should treat their wives with respect as the weaker partner.

Yes women too want to be respected as men want to be loved, the difference being that, men want to be treated with respect for them to feel loved as women on the other hand need to be treated in a loving way for them to feel respected. Thus both need love and respect. Women need to know that the way they can truely love their man is to treat them with respect. When a man is treated with respect, he will do anything for his woman. Men on the other hand need to know that by not treating their woman in a loving way (cherishing her, serving her, being courteous to her) they are being disrespectful to them. They are not honoring her as they promised to do on their wedding day as they made their vows to her. But if the men will treat their woman in a loving way, she will feel respected and in turn will respect their man and do anything for him. Wow this is what I call the valentine cycle. The opposite of this is the viscious cycle which many a couple have found themselves in where we are selfish and lack understanding of our differences thus trying to love our partner the way we want to be loved without considering how they feel loved and respected.

Isn't it amazing how men and women feel loved and respected. So the next time he complains about not feeling loved, check how you are treating him. Are you treating him with respect or are you treating him with contempt because of what he did or didn't do. And you O man, when she complains of you not respecting or honoring her, check if you are treating her in a loving way. Let us love and respect each other.

Different isn't bad

In life we all want others to be just like us, we want them to like the things we like, to eat what we eat, to support the team we support, to like the color we like, to speak the language we speak and to like the people we like. When someone doesn't like what we like and doesn't talk the way we talk we resist them. How we wish everyone would be just like us but what we don't understand is that God made all of us unique. Not even identical twins are exactly alike. The world would be a very boring place if all of us were the same.

One of the golden rules of life, one of those important lessons of life that you were never taught in school is this, "before marriage opposites attract, but after marriage opposites repel". I have come to discover most recently that the number one cause of conflict in marriage is this, our differences. We enter marriage as two unique individuals with different backgrounds, different personalities different likes and dislikes, different perspectives and of course different genders. Now that is what I call mission impossible. But with God all things are possible. What we often times think is bad (our differences), is in fact the greatest thing we have going for us in marriage.

Marriage is one of the greatest team sports. If everyone in the team is the same, that team cannot go far. The strength of the team is based on the different talents they each bring into the team. Unity or oneness isn't uniformity, it is the capacity of harnessing our individual uniqueness together for the common good. And that is what marriage is all about, that's how God wants it to be and that's why He saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made him a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18). And notice that God didn't give Adam another man to be his helper, he gave him a woman, someone different.

So dear man, you don't need another man in your life, what you need is a woman. My wife often times reminds me of this fact, she reminds me that she's not a man, she is a woman and so I need to treat her like a lady. God knew what He was doing when He made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve.And this is where the challenge comes, because in marriage He made them male and female, and it is this lack of understanding of our differences as male and female that causes all the turmoil in marriage. So for the next couple of weeks we will be delving more into this topic and I pray that I will be able to help us realize our differences so that we can revel in them as we continue in the process of becoming one. Different isn't bad, it's just that, different. Welcome on board.

Marriage Dance

Been quiet for a while, I guess still recovering from our Valentine Dinner dance that we had at our Church building on 18th February. We had over 60 couples in attendance and man wasn't it awesome or what? After loads of food and fun, including some karrooke (Karuiki) singing where couples sang love songs to each other, we danced with our spouses till midnight. Many couples admitted that that was there first time to dance with their spouses since they got married. What fun we had.

I'm not a good dancer myelf, but just being there on the floor dancing with my wife made it worth all the effort. I learned certain things about dancing with your partner that night that are very insightful in regards to our marriage relationships. First, I learnt that it is the man who initiates the dance, he leads then the woman follows in step with him. In marriage, God has called us to lead by loving our wifes even as He has loved the church. As we lead in this manner, our wifes will follow in sync with our step by submitting and yielding to us following us as we lead them. If your wife is not following check your leading.

Secondly, I realized that we have to have a rythm. Understanding one another and our differences as men and women is what brings that rythm in marriage. Now wait a minute, before we can get the rythm going, there will be alot of stepping on each others toes just like I did on that evenful night. My wife is still recovering from those sores you know. So relax, there will be abit of that before you can finally find each othes rythm. So be patient and kind with each other, give each other space and grace to adjust. Don't give up, keep at it, I can assure you that by the end of our time on the dance floor, we had developed some kind of rythm and were moving along well. That's what life and marriage for that matter is all about.

Lets keep dancing together and let the celebrations continue. I believe our marriages will never be the same again. Looking forward to seeing all you couples in our "money talk" workshop next sato 12th March again here at our Church building.